You know how in the springtime, you'll open a window in your room to let the sunlight and fresh air pour in? And upon your opening of this window, if you're the strange reflective type (as I am), you'll find yourself thinking, "Damn, has it really been a year since I did this last?" Breathing in that new air is like getting a new set of lungs.
It's been over a year since I've posted an entry here. I'm not sure what prompted my sudden departure from this little blog, but I was sort of running out of steam, so to speak. As soon as I graduated from Hope with my fancy, almost-useless writing degree, I felt an obligation to keep pushing out collected words for mass consumption. (By "mass consumption," I mean the 2 or 3 friends who were kind enough to wade through this mess.) But when I consider my last posting date - January of 2011 - to March of 2012, it sort of floors me
What a difference a year makes, yeah? How trite.
Between then and now, a lot has happened in my tiny life, some of which many people know absolutely nothing about.
- I lost hold of my closest friend.
- I stopped looking for a serious career because I got tired.
- I started doing some freelance writing. (Call me up!)
- I actually attended my graduation ceremony.
- I applied to graduate school.
- I saw Neon Trees again. And again.
- I got into graduate school. (One program out of the two I applied for, so far.)
- I visited New York City for the first time.
- I learned to love and miss my alma mater, and furthermore, forgive it (and myself) for my strange undergraduate years. Imagine that.
- I put my cat Tinker, the truest friend I've really known, to sleep. Just yesterday.
- I bought a kitten and named her after a rockstar (sort of).
- I reconnected with a couple of old friends.
- I started regularly going to 'da club and learned how to dance myself into oblivion.
- I got over the losing hold of my closest friend.
- But I'm getting there, thanks to determination, logic, and this marvelous, forgiving human named Mackenzie.
- It is becoming likely that come August, I will be living in Boston.
- I painted my room. This is massive, if you knew what the walls looked like prior.
- I turned 22.
Here's the question: Why does anyone care about all this?
Now, that's not meant to be melodramatic or self-loathing. Not even in the slightest! But as I examine my time away from this small blog of mine and consider why it was that I stopped writing, I realize that it's due, simply, to a shift in focus caused by all of the above. And none of that, while important to my personality and my humanity, matters an iota to why I was, or am, or will be, a writer.
Friendship and camaraderie are so valuable. I've been learning about the importance of real connection and interaction this past year. Perhaps my attention to other people and places pulled me away from writing reflectively - or from writing at all. But I want to reopen that window. I want to be able to use this collection of words as more than just a spewing of what's going on in my life. One of the reasons I find myself missing college so much is because I was surrounded by breathtaking artists every single day. I was so, so blessed to take courses with these people, who wrote themselves into poems and essays that I cherished so greatly, they took me out of myself. I miss that.
So, really, who gives a damn about all that blab up there? Let's talk about my life, let's talk about yours, let's get a glass of wine. It's all fabulous, each little second of this time we have. But I'm promising to no longer make my life just a list, and furthermore, promising to feed into what I've studied for so long. I ignored my craving to express and to reflect because I found it taxing and silly. What was taxing and silly was, well, me.
Get out a pen. Start thinking of why you're grateful, why you hurt, why you laugh, why you everything. Put it down however you want to. Share it with the ones you love or even just the digital world, but here's what matters: Make it into a habit. Life isn't just a list. Don't keep it just for yourself.
It's almost springtime. Time to open the windows.